Drunken Christmas Fruitcake Recipe

Here it is. My Italian Nona’s beloved Christmas Fruitcake recipe. Finally managed to get her to share it with us!


  • 1 bottle Whiskey
  • 1 cup of water
  • 1 tsp. baking soda
  • 1 cup of sugar
  • 1 tsp. salt
  • 1 cup of brown sugar
  • 4 large eggs
  • 1 cup of nuts
  • 2 cups of dried fruit
  • half of 1 freshly squeezed lemon


  1. Sample the whiskey to check quality.
  2. Take a large bowl, check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
  3. Repeat.
  4. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
  5. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
  6. Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup.
  7. Turn off the mixerer.
  8. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
  9. Mix on the turner.
  10. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.
  11. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
  12. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who gives a shit.
  13. Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
  14. Add one table.
  15. Add a spoon of sugar, or something. Whatever you can find.
  16. Greash the oven and piss in the fridge.
  17. Turn the cake tin 3500 defrees.
  18. Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
  19. Throw the bowl through the f**king window.
  20. Check the whiskey again and go to bed.
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